Discovering Emma: A kindergartner's transgender journey

• It was around age 3 when Emma began showing signs of being transgender, said her mother.
• The parents say they went through a roller coaster of emotions, especially as their daughter entered kindergarten.
• Learning about transgender people and the struggles they face was a shock to the family, who said they had given little thought to subject before.
• "She's there to get an education, not to worry about whether her teacher thinks she's a boy or girl," her father said.

Editor's note: The Citizen-Times chose not to reveal the family's last name to protect their child's privacy.  

ARDEN - A chart hangs in a hallway between the bedrooms of a sister and her two brothers. Their parents – as many parents do – have etched lines marking the height of each child over the years.

The smallest among them is Colton, the third son of Amy and Kevin. The blond-haired, green-eyed baby loved to snuggle, said the child's mother.

Each mark represents a year of memories, she said. As the children reach new heights, they develop their own personalities and transform in ways beyond a parent's control.

By age 6, the name "Colton" had all but disappeared from the chart. It had been replaced by “Emma,” a name the child gave herself as she began to discover her gender identity and her parents decided they would not force her to be someone she is not.

Emma and her mother sifted through family photographs one day after school in April. Dozens of prints documented her six years of life. There were photos of holidays, old pets, vacations and family milestones. In one, a blue ribbon pinned on Emma's outfit says "Baby Boy."

"What?" questioned the 6-year-old, who is still learning to read. "I don't like that. I'm a girl."

The child’s logic was simple. People are different and that’s OK. Emma is happier wearing girls’ clothes and thinks a lot of the toys for boys are "weird." Some people like eating meat, she said as she snacked on a banana after school, but she likes fruit.

"I like to be a girl," said Emma, who wears her blonde hair long. "Actually, girls can be boys or girls, it doesn't matter," the child added with authority. "You can like any clothes you want, and also toys, shirts and pants."

But navigating life with a transgender child hasn’t been so simple for the young family.  Emma started school last year, just as North Carolina was in the midst of a bitter debate over the rights of transgender people.

It was an issue the parents said they had thought little about. It wasn't until they saw how happy their daughter was as Emma that they knew it was cause worth the fight.

Each passing year has brought moments of joy and desperation, they said. There is so much more to learn.

2 outfits

The youngest of three biological boys, Amy and Kevin said they would try to dress Emma in football and baseball clothes when she was a baby, but as the child became old enough to make her own decisions, she began to protest.

“She always wanted dolls, pink things, shiny things,” said Kevin. “We tried to push her toward boy things sometimes, but she didn’t want it. It wasn’t who she was.”

It was around age 3 when Emma began showing signs of being transgender, said her mother. The two would go to clothing stores and she'd want to browse in the girls' departments, she said. When they went through the toy aisle, she was amused by the dolls.

The parents went through a roller coaster of emotions, said Amy. They first wondered if Emma was confused. She was calling all people boys, even her mother and the other females in her life.

Then, they worried about their parenting. They wanted their child to be happy and were scared they were causing long-term damage by allowing the toddler to make decisions that didn't match societal conventions.

The parents would often leave two outfits out for Emma to choose from and she would always pick the more "girly" option, her mother said.

"It was more confusing for us than it has ever been for her," Amy said. "She always went that way. It was just us catching up."

Amy and Kevin devoured all the information they could find about gender identity and transgender youth. They consulted a licensed family therapist and a sexologist.

The therapist told them they were on the right track, that as long as the child grew up feeling loved and supported she would be OK, Amy said.

She said the biggest issue was going to be other people and their beliefs, the mother recalled. "She was right about that," Amy said.

People in the Arden community have commented on a transgender flag that flies from Amy and Kevin’s front porch. Family members have refused to accept Emma as a girl, some even rejecting her new name.

Kevin runs his own towing service in Asheville. In his free time, he would browse the websites of transgender support organizations. Once he called for more information. Kevin said he was stunned to learn many groups also operate suicide prevention hotlines.

Amy didn't know about the American Civil Liberties Union or its efforts to protect the rights of transgender youth until she turned to Facebook to ask for help.

The two want to raise Emma in an environment where she feels proud. Amy is an artist who chose to stay at home while her children were young. She plans to write and illustrate a children’s book called, “Yes, My Brother Wears a Dress."

Kevin wants people to see beyond Emma’s gender. "We had no idea what was happening, but you know, she’s my baby," the Western North Carolina native said. "We accept her the way she is."

"We’re all just human beings," the father would later add. "Her being transgender doesn't do anything to anybody."

A child’s lead

One day Emma came to her parents with a question: "Why do people call me 'he' when I'm a 'she'?" Amy recalled.

"That's about the time we started realizing that she has always known her soul was female," the mother said.

Eventually, Emma asked her parents for a new name. It was after seeing a family friend who brought her daughter, also named Emma, for a visit. That little girl was beautiful and dainty, Amy said. Their Emma was inspired.

Ever since, the parents have followed their daughter's lead. When they let Emma be herself she beams with joy, her mother said. That fills her parents' hearts with joy, too.

In related news

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Amy and Kevin didn't think Emma's developing gender identity would be an issue during her first year at school. It isn't until puberty that parents and their transgender children must consider medical interventions such as hormone blockers. At such a young age, Emma's transition is purely social.

"She's there to get an education, not to worry about whether her teacher thinks she's a boy or girl," Kevin said.

The family has a photo of Emma and her brother sitting together on their front porch holding a pink and blue sign that says "first day of kindergarten 2016-2017."

Emma smiles a toothy grin at the camera. She dresses in pink leggings, a yellow T-shirt and silver, glittery shoes with pink laces. She couldn't wait for the school year to begin, her mother recalled.

The first day

Emma came home from her first day of school crying, Amy said. She said her teacher told her she had boy hair and a boy body.

The child was enrolled in kindergarten under "Colton," the name on her birth certificate, but the parents said their daughter made it clear she was a girl and she wanted to be called "Emma."

The tears were back on day two, after Emma said her teacher told her in front of the class that she had to use the boys' bathroom, essentially outing her as transgender, Amy said.

Emma came home and said, "'Now, everyone knows I'm not a girl on the outside,'" the mother recalled.

Emma was embarrassed using the boys' bathroom while wearing skirts and said the kids were asking her "so many questions," Amy said.

The parents started communicating with the school counselor that first week. Amy wrote her a letter Aug. 29 asking that staff please call their "transgender daughter" Emma.

“I appreciate your efforts on this as my main concern is for my daughter to be happy and comfortable in her skin and most important not to feel differently than her heart tells her she is,” it said.

Yet, things got so bad at the school of 540 students that the family requested a new teacher. Emma switched classes just months into the school year.

David Thompson, student services director for Buncombe County Schools, spoke with Emma's mother throughout the school year and said the two problem-solved together several times.

Thompson said he would not discuss Emma’s situation, citing ethical and privacy concerns.

The parents said Emma’s first teacher would tell her in front of the other kids that boys don’t wear skirts or have long hair.

If Emma protested she would get in trouble for talking back, they said.

Emma was devastated when she was told she had to be a pilgrim boy in the school play, they said.

The first teacher would single her out in front of the other students and make her use the bathroom located in the classroom before heading to another location at the school, her mother said.

Emma was told that if she wouldn't use the boys' restroom, she could only use single-stall facilities, said Amy.

The main building at Glen Arden Elementary is 78,738 square feet. There are four single-stall restrooms available for students and 10 multistall bathrooms.

Just weeks into the school year, Emma came home with urine-soaked clothes in her backpack, her mother said.

She told her parents that she did not want to use the boys' bathroom in gym class anymore and wasn't able to hold it, Amy said.

The parents requested a meeting with the principal. There, they said, the administrator kept asking them why they were buying "him" girl clothes and brought up North Carolina House Bill 2.

"We don’t have any problems with the kids," said Kevin. "If (the adults) would just leave her alone and let her be a girl, everything would be fine.”

The bathroom issue 

The N.C. General Assembly adopted HB2 in March 2016, sparking debate about transgender bathroom use across the United States. The now-repealed law said, among other things, that people must use the bathroom that corresponds to the sex listed on their birth certificate.

Emma's parents said Glen Arden Principal Kristina Specht eventually agreed to address their daughter as Emma and use the "she" and "her" pronouns, but remained intransigent on the restroom issue.

Specht said it was best if Emma would only use the classroom bathroom that is a single-stall, the mother said. They were worried Emma might expose herself to the other girls at school, she added.

Emma is a private person who doesn't want her classmates to know she was born male, Amy said.

Buncombe County Schools declined requests for interviews with Specht and Emma's two kindergarten teachers, citing strict laws protecting student privacy.

Amy and Kevin worried that Emma might sometimes be in the hallway, the gymnasium, the cafeteria or some other multipurpose room and need a restroom, they said. Also, after kindergarten, there are few classrooms at the school with single-stall bathrooms.

The parents say a teacher told them not to be concerned. Emma will likely grow out of this "nonsense," they recall the staff member saying.

There are 12 classrooms in the school with bathrooms attached; most are reserved for the kindergarten and first-grade students.

By October, Amy and Kevin had organized a meeting with school staff and a liaison from the WNC Advocacy League. The nonprofit organization was referred to the family when the mother sought help online.

The school staff was defensive, Amy said. They offered Emma a counselor who "specializes more in those types of cases," she said.

Notes taken by Sharon Hanson, formerly of the WNC Advocacy League, from an Oct. 3 phone call with Specht say the conversation began “with blame toward parents because Emma presented as female, but all records had the name ‘Colton.’”

The principal said that no one told the school that Emma is transgender and denied any “outright discrimination” by Emma’s first teacher, according to the document.

The advocate’s notes from an Oct. 14 meeting at the school say the teacher seemed “very combative,” and that while the principal and counselor “seemed willing to help,” all were “defensive.”

The teacher said her “job is on the line if she lets Emma use the girls’ room,” according to the document.

The parents said they were eventually told Emma could use the multistalled girls' room, but only if no other option is available, and only if she goes in alone, her mother said.

In March, Emma urinated on herself again at school. She was in the lunchroom and said her teacher told her to "hold it," her mother said.

Emma didn't eat her lunch that day and sat in her soaked clothes until an adult noticed, Amy said.

A teacher's aide later told the mother that her understanding was that Emma was only was allowed use the single-stalled facilities, Amy said.

School staff had Emma walk back to the kindergarten room at the opposite end of the school to change, her mother added. "She kept saying how cold she was walking to the bathroom she could go in," Amy said.

Nearly one week later when Amy came to the school to have lunch with her children, she noticed the single-stall bathrooms in the cafeteria were locked.

In an April 14 email provided to the Citizen-Times by Emma’s mother, Specht apologizes for any miscommunication.

“It was very unfortunate that the restrooms in the cafeteria were still locked the day Emma needed to use one,” she writes. “As I explained before, it wouldn't matter if the hall restroom had one or five stalls, the teachers do not let the kindergarten students leave the cafeteria unattended.

“…I am sorry if you or Emma have gotten the feeling or impression that I have treated Emma any differently than any other student, that certainly was not my intent.”

Four days later, Specht emailed Emma’s mother again and said she had spoken to her teachers to make sure everyone was on the same page.

“When Emma, or any student, needs to use the restroom when they are not in the classroom they will take her to the nearest restroom,” it says. “If they are in the cafeteria and the doors have not been unlocked, they will ask a custodian to unlock the door. (I have also reminded the custodians that those need to be unlocked every day).

“Please let me know if there is anything else that I can do to do help you and Emma feel comfortable with the situation.”

A 'new issue' 

Buncombe County Schools strives to support and accommodate its transgender students by recognizing that each person is their own individual with unique needs, Thompson said.

“We look at everything on a case-by-case basis," he said. "We will identify what the options are in the building and then we work with students about what they are comfortable with and where they feel safe."

When a student identifies as transgender, a school principal will then talk with the student and their parent to understand their specific situation before making a plan, he said. The student’s needs must remain forefront despite the personal or political opinions of the staff.

"We have to make it about the child and not about the person who is making that choice," Thompson said. "What does the child need? And if we keep that child focus rather than staff focus, then we’re making the right decision."

Thompson said he is unaware of any issue where the district and a family haven’t been able to find common ground.

The cafeteria bathrooms should have never been locked at Glen Arden, Thompson said. That was unintentional. They had been locked from the day before and school staff never reopened them, he said. “The restrooms are typically not locked during the day,” Thompson said.

HB2 also would not normally be part of the conversation about transgender student bathroom use, he continued. Despite changing state and federal priorities, Buncombe County Schools has always kept its focus on the individual child, he said.

"It's not a political decision," Thompson said. "It's a personal decision.”

It can be a delicate balance to address a student's wants with safety, he said. Buncombe County Schools does not want to see any of its students become a target, Thompson said. "It's always about safety, safety of the student and knowing our population," he said.

There will always be students within any large school that are very accepting and understanding and others who are not, he said.

To avoid a transgender student feeling singled out, the challenge is to create a bathroom routine that is the same for everybody, he said. That could mean students use the hall restroom two at a time or they only use a classroom bathroom, Thompson said.

Buncombe County's school board doesn't have a policy specifically protecting transgender students or clarifying what bathrooms they can use.

The district has, however, adopted polices protecting all students against discrimination, sexual harassment, violence and bullying.

Roberson District school board member Amy Churchill declined to discuss Emma's situation.

"The issue of how to support transgender students has not come before the board since I have been on," said Churchill, who has talked with Emma's mother about her concerns.

"Of course the issue of how to support all of our students comes up in almost every discussion we have," she said.

The district relies on transgender students and their parents to voice their concerns, Thompson said.

"It is a much newer issue to deal with transgender issues at elementary schools than it is for middle and high schools who have dealt with this over several years," Thompson said. "So, we probably have, you know, greater growth to experience about how do we do this well and how do we support elementary kids.”

Buncombe County Schools is slowly engaging the district in Compassionate Schools, a nationally recognized training framework that helps educators better address the social and emotional needs of students, Thompson said.

The model doesn't deal specifically with transgender issues but does discuss gender, he said. Staff at Glen Arden and six other schools received the training May 1.

Social workers and counselors across the district also received LGBT sensitivity training last summer from Western Carolina University and Youth OUTright, a local nonprofit organization supporting LGBT students, Thompson said.  There are also more student-led support groups such as Gay Straight Alliances, he said.

Several years ago the district participated in a training done by the North Carolina Department of Public Instruction that covered the intersection between LGBT students, depression and suicide risk, he said.

"This is something that is different for folks, and it is something that we're still learning, and we're open," Thompson said. "As with any situation, there might be a staff member who is uninformed, or a staff member who is not aware, and they may make a mistake, and when we find that out, we'll correct it. Again, we take these situations very individually."

A 'case-by-case' basis 

The problem with dealing with the needs of transgender students on a case-by-case basis is that there is no minimum standard of support, said Allison Scott, a transgender woman who is the advocacy and media director for Tranzmission, a local nonprofit advocating for the lives of transgender people.

Too much is left up to the individual principals and their personal beliefs, she said.

Tranzmission recently started a networking group for the parents of transgender kids. Six to eight families come to each meeting, Scott said.

Many of the participants are struggling to navigate Buncombe County Schools' policies, she said. Some administrators are very friendly toward the transgender population and there are others who are not, Scott said.

It's a double standard, said Scott. Cisgender people, those whose gender identity matches their biological sex, never have to prove who they are.

"It's harassment from the top down," she said. "This administration is not understanding these issues and they are putting incredibly terrible burdens on these youth, separating them out and making them use different restrooms and different changing facilities and making these kids undergo things they shouldn't have to go through."

Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy operates the largest clinic for transgender youth in the world at the Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. There are 150 kids under 12 in the program.

Families come to The Center for Transyouth Health and Development looking for networks and support, she said.

The National Center for Transgender Equality in 2015 completed the largest survey to date examining the experiences of transgender people in the United States.

Thirty-nine percent of the some 27,715 respondents reported experiencing serious psychological distress in the month before completing the survey, compared with only 5 percent of the U.S. population.

Forty percent had attempted suicide — a number nearly nine times the national rate of 4.6 percent.

The majority of respondents who were out or perceived as transgender while in school experienced some form of mistreatment, including verbal harassment, physical or sexual assault, the survey reports.

Seventeen percent of respondents said they dropped out of school because of the stress.

Children naturally discover and begin expressing their gender identity around ages 3 and 4, Olson-Kennedy said.

Gender is something people are born with and doesn't change over time, she said. It also doesn't always match the biological sex presented and assigned at birth.

For transgender or gender nonconforming individuals, the feeling that one's body does not reflect their gender can cause distress, anxiety and depression, she said. Children who grow up this way often hear a lot shame messages, both overt and implicit, she said.

A female child might be told not to play with a toy because it is for boys. A male child might be told that dressing a certain way is wrong. This can be especially difficult for people like Emma who are born biologically male but present as female, Olson-Kennedy said.

American culture is a lot more accepting of tomboys and girls wearing pants than boys who chose to wear skirts, she explained. To survive, transgender children have to create their own path, fighting against social norms, she said.

"The expectation is your gender identity will match your assigned sex. That is the construct in which all of us grow up, including transfolks," Olson-Kennedy said. "Now, they are going to have to swim against that."

The best predictor of healthy outcomes for kids is having supportive adults in their lives, she continued. Transgender children, like all children, need parents who accept them.

Schools are a child's second home, the doctor said. Those in charge need to ensure that transgender students are treated no differently than their peers, she said.

A lack of support or outright hostility, violence or discrimination can carry a big toll, she said.

Fifty-nine percent of respondents to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey reported that in the past year they had avoided using a restroom in public, at work or in school because they were afraid of confrontations or other problems.

Nearly one-third said they refrained from drinking or eating so that they would not need to use the restroom, and 8 percent reported having a urinary tract infection or kidney-related medical problem as a result of avoiding restrooms in the past year.

A school can have a huge impact on positive development for young people, Olson-Kennedy said. Administrators and teachers have the opportunity to model acceptance and openness, creating a wider net of support.

"Our trans kids need compassion and love," she said. "They don't need hostility and discrimination at the age of 6."

Emma's path 

As the school year comes to an end, Amy and Kevin are at a loss of how best to support Emma as she prepares to enter first grade. They considered transferring her to a nearby charter school, but Emma has been put on a wait list.

They are also contemplating selling their house and buying something smaller so they can afford to home-school. Amy was planning on going back to work this year. She has a car detailing business that she put on hold while her kids were young.

Amy said she might leave the work and the only home her young children have even known behind. “(Emma’s) self-worth is worth so much more than where or how we live,” she said.

The family doesn’t want to leave Glen Arden Elementary. It’s close to their home and Emma’s brother loves it there. But, they don’t know what other options they have, the parents said.

An entire year has gone by and Amy and Kevin still aren’t sure their daughter has access to the facilities she needs to be healthy and safe at school, they said.

It’s hard to stomach Emma facing discrimination and shame over something as basic as using the restroom, her parents said.

"She's feelings these feelings thinking it's all her fault,” said Kevin.

The couple have sought the help of the American Civil Liberties Union of North Carolina. The nonprofit civil rights organization is monitoring the situation, said Irena Como, a staff attorney.

Title IX prohibits gender discrimination in educational programs or activities, she said. All schools have an obligation to support all children. They should be inclusive, accommodating and safe, Como explained. A child should not feel singled out for any reason.

"Being able to use the bathroom where the children look like you and you are comfortable is one of the most basic things a school should ensure in fostering a safe and inclusive environment," she said.

A child's ability to learn is compromised when teachers and school administrators, who are supposed to be role models, create an environment lacking support and acceptance, Como added.

It’s a kindergarten tradition at Glen Arden for children to get an "About Me" day, said Amy. Emma came home from hers crying, her mother said.

The teacher gives each student a large piece of paper with a child drawn on it and the kids use it to tell their classmates who they are.

Emma’s poster had "Colton" written on top. The drawing the staff made showed a child with short hair, a red shirt, colorful shorts and black shoes.

That day Emma had specifically worn a pink shirt with a heart on it and matching shoes, her mother recalled. Emma’s hair was long and she had already changed her name.

According to the notes taken by the WNC Advocacy League, Emma’s teacher said she had no pink markers in her classroom.

Emma came home angry and upset, Amy said. She took the paper, taped it to the wall and redrew it. Her parents crossed out the name “Colton” and wrote “Emma.”

The young girl then colored pink around the shirt and made her hair blonde. She gave herself rosy cheeks and pink nail polish. The family still has the poster.

“I’m proud of her for doing that because she’s taking a stand," her mother said. "She's saying, 'That’s not who I am; this is who I am.'"