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How did the athletes, from Laurie Hernandez to Ryan Lochte, do in Week 3 of 'Dancing With The Stars'?

This season we’ve got four athletes competing under the bright, Monday night, primetime lights on Dancing With The Stars: IndyCar driver James Hinchcliffe, Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez, Olympic swimmer/news cycle Ryan Lochte, and former NFL player Calvin Johnson. And, since we care about providing you with the most in-depth sports knowledge possible here at For The Win, I will be tracking the progress of these athletes throughout the season. Here is last week’s recap

There are a lot of things you could’ve been watching on Monday night. Perhaps you were interested in the outcome of the Saints-Falcons game. Maybe you watched the Marlins play the Mets and sobbed your way through the incredible tribute to the late Jose Fernandez. Oh, right: the first debate of this garbage-fire of an election cycle was going on, too.

You also could’ve watched Dancing with the Stars. ABC did us a real kindness and cut the show to one hour, rather than the usual two, so that the good people of the U.S.A. could watch Rick Perry dance on reality television without missing a second of Donald Trump’s participation in a presidential debate (yup, we’ve officially gone through the looking glass in 2016).

Honestly, I don’t know which one of these viewing experiences was the most American. But I do know how the athletes did on DWTS. So let me tell you.

But first, some housekeeping: tonight, two pairs had to dance off against each other. One set of partners got immunity from being voted off (voting! America! Democracy!). The judges, in the interest of time, didn’t critique. They’re just handed out scores. Here we go.

Ryan Lochte vs. James Hinchcliffe

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 2303" - An exciting, brand-new theme night comes to the show, as the 12 remaining celebrities find themselves pitted against each other in a quest to keep themselves immune from elimination, as Face Off night comes to "Dancing with the Stars," live, MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 (8:00-9:00 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Eric McCandless) CHERYL BURKE, RYAN LOCHTE

ABC/Eric McCandless

On the surface, two athletes competing against each other makes sense; you’d think they’d be able to give each other a run for their money. But it turns out that Lochte can’t dance to save his life. He looks like a bunch of toothpicks held together with scotch tape trying to gyrate. Hinchcliffe, who drives a car for a living, actually has rhythm.

They’re dancing the cha cha, the beat of which is, according to ever-reliable Wikipedia, this: “two, three, chachacha”, “four-and-one, two, three” or “one, two, three, chach.” In case you were curious. Sharna, James’ partner, is saying it won’t be easy to beat Lochte. I’m pretty sure it will be.

I am right. James is a phenomenal dancer. At first Lochte looks better than he has in the past two weeks, but then things get going and he’s still moving like something you’d stick into an olive and put in a martini. He opens his shirt so you can see his abs. They are his only hope, his flotation device in a sea of left feet.

Their scores:

James and Sharna: 29/40

Ryan and Cheryl: 25/40

This means that James gets immunity. Lochte needs you to vote for him so that he can continue on his “please forget what happened in Rio” Monday night crusade.

Calvin Johnson

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 2303" - An exciting, brand-new theme night comes to the show, as the 12 remaining celebrities find themselves pitted against each other in a quest to keep themselves immune from elimination, as Face Off night comes to "Dancing with the Stars," live, MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 (8:00-9:00 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Eric McCandless) CALVIN JOHNSON JR., LINDSAY ARNOLD

ABC/Eric McCandless

When we come back from commercial, we’re watching Calvin and his partner Lindsay rehearse. Calvin is having trouble “being delicate with the waltz,” whatever that means. He’s dancing against Terra Jole and her partner. They’re both very good at dancing, so I’m worried about Calvin. I don’t want him to get voted off.

But then his performance starts and it’s beautiful. I’m feeling a little more confident. He’s wearing a lovely white suit jacket. Lindsay looks like she’s going to prom in 2005 (I’m pretty sure that DWTS is single-handedly keeping Swarovski in business). They’re great together. Very sensual.

His scores:

Calvin did so well! 32/40! He has immunity and can’t be eliminated tomorrow night. Way to Calvin. A total touchdown, as they say in the biz.

Laurie Hernandez

Laurie and Val have to dance the tango against Marilu Henner and Derek Hough. Val is talking about how sexy the tango is, and they’re all making strange jokes about how Marilu will have a chance to beat Laurie this time because she has had “more experiences.” They also talk about how Lauire’s costume may look like lingerie. Val says something along the lines of how Laurie really has to try to tango like an adult or she’ll just be “cute Laurie for the rest of the season.” Laurie is 16.

But then the dancing starts and Laurie is — as always — amazing and nothing else matters. I could watch her dance for two hours straight; she’s so graceful, exact in her movements, and always appears to be having a total blast. She makes a very convincing tango-er. I’m also pretty sure her choreography is at least ten times harder than that of anyone else. Trust me; I have been known to tear it up on a wedding dance floor. If experience getting low for Shout counts for anything, then I’m basically a seasoned professional.

Her scores:

31/40. That’s garbage. This show is rigged against Laurie. If it weren’t, she’d get all 10s all the time — I’ve said this since the beginning. She does, however, beat Marilu, so she can’t be voted off. Thank god.

Then the judges basically ask Laurie where she channeled her sexiness from in order to be good at the tango despite still sleeping with a teddy bear every night. She says that she just imagined she was smelling a really good quesadilla the whole time.

Therefore:

Laurie Hernandez for president.

Key Takeaway

It might not be the next Mad Men, but there’s something wonderful about the simplicity of DWTS. You’re just watching people dance. We’ve had a bad few days: We lost the promising, inspiring 24-year-old Fernandez in a tragic accident. The legendary and wonderful Arnold Palmer passed away. This election has been uglier than ever.

But tonight, in the midst of all of this sadness and before the first presidential debate, an hour of American programming was dedicated to watching celebrities spin gracefully around on a stage. No one yelled at each other. We didn’t even have to listen to drawn-out speeches from judges or the usual stupid time-fillers. All we saw were a lot of people working very hard to remember the steps to difficult dances and being pretty good at doing so. As host Erin Andrews and dancer Derek Hough spent a lot of time stressing last week — and I wrote a fair amount of words mocking — this is “a positive show.”

And you know what? Tonight, I was grateful for it.

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