Look: Let me start by explaining that I’m no fan of Burger King. This won’t be an obnoxious screed about American fast-food culture like those that come far, far too frequently on the Internet, nor will I note in shocked horror that — surprise! — a gimmicky new food item from Burger King turns out to be bad for your health. I am not better than fast food or unhealthy processed foods in general, and, in fact, I write a weekly celebration of Taco Bell on this very website.

My distaste for Burger King probably has less to do with Burger King in general than it does one particular Burger King, which so happened to be the only place to get food after 8 p.m. near the weird, noisy rehearsal space where my band used to practice in some odd industrial hinterland of Long Island. That particular Burger King stunk in just about every conceivable way. But because we practiced 2-3 times a week after work and had no other option, too often we stumbled out, past the decrepit couches full of idiot emo kids chatting earnestly about getting major-label interest and conceiving new dumb haircuts, and outside to the nearby awful Burger King to eat food prepared awfully at that awful Burger King. I ate so much terrible Burger King in the middle part of the last decade that I never, ever want Burger King now. It is not something I eat if I have literally any other option, and though it is the fast food place I most frequently pass by in daily life, I almost always pass it by.

But on this particular day — today — I found myself mildly hungry and massively curious about Burger King’s new Mac ‘n Cheetos, the burger chain’s apparent answer to Taco Bell’s popular Doritos Locos Taco. So I went into Burger King for maybe the fourth time in the last decade and ordered up some Mac ‘n Cheetos. Here’s what a Mac ‘n Cheeto looks like in real life:

(USA TODAY Sports)

And the interior view:

(USA TODAY Sports)

After sampling five of Burger King’s new Mac ‘n Cheetos, For The Win is prepared to report that they’re not good. They’re also not totally awful, as they do contain cheese and taste like cheese and cheese is good. But they do not seem worth their price, nor do they do justice to the cheese-flavored, puffed Frito-Lay cornmeal snack for which they are named.

Even with its most gimmicky promotional items, Taco Bell tends to draw eaters into its stores with reasonable prices. At Taco Bell, the Mac n’ Cheetos would almost certainly start at 99 cents an order. At Burger King — at least this one particular New York City Burger King — the five Mac ‘n Cheetos cost $3.26 including tax, or just north of 65 cents per Mac ‘n Cheetos. For about that same money, I could get a cheese dog at any of this city’s old-timey corner hot-dog-and-papaya-drink places, and the cheese dog would be more filling, more cheesy, and more delicious.

And though there’s some mild crispiness to the fried outer crust of the Mac n’ Cheetos, there’s really nothing about them besides the shape that calls to mind a Cheeto. The primary things we associate with Cheetos, I think, are the crunchiness and the delicious cheese dust they leave on your fingers. Burger King’s Mac ‘n Cheetos feature only a hint of crunch and an inexcusable lack of cheese dust.

I guess there are noodles in there, perhaps adding some gummy texture to the not-quite-gooey enough center. But I fail to see why these things represent in any way an upgrade over any sort of fried cheese, be it a mozzarella stick or a cheddar curd.

The fast-food game — just like the Minor League Baseball theme night game — stands these days as a constant game of one-upsmanship, with every brand jockeying to draw the attention of the Internet. And I recognize that I am a cog in that machine and that I’ve mentioned Burger King and Cheetos a billion times each in this post. And I understand that perhaps they care way more about the repetition of their brand names than my thoughts on the quality of their products.

But I believe — or at least I want to believe — that there’s a right way of playing this game, and that ideas meant to generate buzz can be both cleverly conceived and well executed. And I am here to tell you that this is not that.

We soldier forward.