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Sheryl Sandberg

Facebook's Sandberg shares grief lessons with grads

Marco della Cava
USA TODAY
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg addressed University of California-Berkeley students on the lessons she has learned since the passing of her husband Dave Goldberg a year ago.

SAN FRANCISCO — In a candid and emotional address to University of California-Berkeley graduates Saturday, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg shared how the death of her husband left her swimming in an ocean of grief but also "grateful for each breath in and out — grateful for the gift of life itself."

Powering through a topic about which Sandberg has commented only sparingly in the year since Survey Monkey CEO Dave Goldberg collapsed at age 47 from a heart ailment while on vacation, Sandberg sketched out both the horror of her discovery and the transcendence of her perseverance.

"One year and 13 days ago, I lost my husband, Dave," said Sandberg, 46. "His death was sudden and unexpected. We were at a friend’s 50th birthday party in Mexico. I took a nap. Dave went to work out. What followed was the unthinkable — walking into a gym to find him lying on the floor. Flying home to tell my children that their father was gone. Watching his casket being lowered into the ground."

Sandberg went on to note that her husband's sudden passing "changed (her) in profound ways," teaching her overnight about "the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss. But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.

Read Sheryl Sandberg's touching Facebook post on mourning husband

"I’m sharing this with you in the hopes that today, as you take the next step in your life, you can learn the lessons that I only learned in death," she said. "Lessons about hope, strength, and the light within us that will not be extinguished."

One piece of advice that helped Sandberg vault from the depths of despair back into the flow of daily life came from a psychologist friend. He brazenly suggested to her that things could be worse.

“'Worse?'” I said. “'Are you kidding me? How could things be worse?'” Sandberg said. "His answer cut straight through me: 'Dave could have had that same cardiac arrhythmia while he was driving your children.' Wow. The moment he said it, I was overwhelmingly grateful that the rest of my family was alive and healthy. That gratitude overtook some of the grief."

Sandberg made a name for herself with 2013's best-selling Lean In, in which the Facebook COO talked about how integral the support of her husband, tech exec Dave Goldberg, was to her success. This past Mother's Day, she expanded her Lean In theme to acknowledge that her book didn't take into account how difficult it is for a woman to forge ahead while being a single parent.

Ever the tech executive, Sandberg told graduates that some of her healing came from analyzing data gleaned from experts studying how people overcome setbacks. She cited psychologist Martin Seligman's three Ps: personalization, pervasiveness and permanence.

In the first case, Sandberg said she had to accept that her husband's death from an undiagnosed heart arrhythmia was not her fault. In the second, she had to realize that part of life had to move on.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and her late husband Dave Goldberg, shown here in July 2014.

"The child psychologists I spoke to encouraged me to get my kids back to their routine as soon as possible," she said. "So 10 days after Dave died, they went back to school and I went back to work. I remember sitting in my first Facebook meeting in a deep, deep haze. All I could think was, 'What is everyone talking about and how could this possibly matter?' But then I got drawn into the discussion and for a second — a brief split second — I forgot about death. That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy. My friends and family were so loving and they carried us — quite literally at times."

And lastly, Sandberg said that gradually she understood that while she would never get over the loss of her husband, she could instead "accept (her) feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever."

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Ultimately, Sandberg's message was a simple one. Enjoy every moment. Specifically, she remembered recently breaking down in tears as the anniversary of Goldberg's death loomed, telling a friend that at that point a year ago her husband only had 11 days left to live.

"As you graduate, can you ask yourselves to live as if you had 11 days left?" she said. "I don’t mean blow everything off and party all the time — although tonight is an exception. I mean live with the understanding of how precious every single day would be. How precious every day actually is."

Sandberg called her recent and difficult life lessons "the greatest irony of my life, that losing my husband helped me find deeper gratitude, gratitude for the kindness of my friends, the love of my family, the laughter of my children. My hope for you is that you can find that gratitude — not just on the good days, like today, but on the hard ones, when you will really need it.

"There are so many moments of joy ahead of you," she continued. "That trip you always wanted to take. A first kiss with someone you really like. The day you get a job doing something you truly believe in. Beating Stanford. (Go Bears!) All of these things will happen to you. Enjoy each and every one."

Follow USA TODAY tech reporter Marco della Cava on Twitter: @marcodellacava

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