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Digital Life: Social media rules for teens

Steven Petrow
Special for USA TODAY
There's no one-size-fits-all rule when it comes to setting social media rules for teens and tweens.

USA TODAY columnist Steven Petrow offers advice about digital etiquette.

Q: My two sons are 11 and 12 and are not on Facebook, but they really want to be, especially because most of their friends are playing all kinds of games. After going around and around and around about it, I ended the conversation by saying no Facebook until age 13. I asked other parents for their advice — what is an appropriate age for kids' use of social media, and what are kid-appropriate, age-appropriate activities on social media? I got all kinds of answers. What's your advice?

– Kate F., Berkeley, Calif.

A: You do know that Facebook's terms of service prohibit anyone younger than 13 to join, right? (That's true for other social media platforms, like Snapchat, Instagram and Kik, all of which officially prohibit pre-teens.) That's because of the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), the federal law that puts tight controls on any site that collects information about those under 13. Most sites officially ban kids so they don't have to meet those requirements — which makes it even smarter to keep pre-teens off them.

Having said that, I know plenty of tweens are all over these sites and that parents have some decisions to make. It can be tough to be the lone parent enforcing the age 13 rule when all your 12-year-old's friends are on Instagram. While it can be helpful to speak with other parents, there's no one-size-fits-all rule here. As one father told me: "Kids have different strengths and weaknesses. Some mature faster than others, and some mature in some ways beyond their years while remaining juvenile in other ways. It is an individual judgment call based upon one's sense of, communication with, and trust in a particular child."

But if there's one important message to convey it's this: Set rules. Talk with your kids about them. Enforce them.

Here's how a mom of two pre-teens told me she's dealing with the issue, which is to say on a case-by-case basis: "We have a no-Facebook rule here, period. Both of our kids are bugging us for Instagram accounts, and we've said yes to the 12-year-old, as long as we follow her account, can see what she and her friends are posting, and know all her friends' names and handles. We said no to our other daughter, who is 9."

I also checked in with one of the preeminent experts in this country, Ana Homayoun, who writes and lectures about safeguarding our kids in the Facebook Age. She reiterated the social media rule ("you must be 13"), quickly noting:

"Unfortunately, many parents choose to overlook the rule, but they often don't realize the message they are sending. Inadvertently, parents who let their kids join online social media networks are sending the message that it is okay to pick and choose which rules to follow. That message can quickly become a slippery slope because these young people are at a formative age where they are developing their own moral compass and sense of values."

Agreed. At the same time, parents need to both instill a sense of trust in their young ones and help them learn to act responsibly, which sometimes requires a leap of faith. I like the training-wheels approach. When kids are younger (say, in middle school), parents should obtain all their login and password information, and must be designated "friends" or "followers."

As your teens get older, it's time to loosen things up — or, to keep with the metaphor, take the training wheels off. For instance, Homayoun recommends that parents have access to login info but keep it in a sealed envelope, to be used only in the event of an emergency. That's exactly what Maureen McElroy, the mother of three did: She put their passwords in her safe and supervised her teens' pages, policing for foul language and inappropriate photos. But don't forget to check in from time to time; otherwise your teen may change their passwords and you'll be none the wiser.

Agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section.

Submit your question to Steven at stevenpetrow@earthlink.net. You can also follow Steven on Twitter: @StevenPetrow. Or like him on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow.

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