Christian Grey, you're no Mr. Darcy: Column

Approaching 55 years of marriage, my mother steadfastly refuses to leave my father's hospital bedside for more than a few hours. Theirs is the kind of story too seldom told, of commitment, perseverance and courage. Which does not in any way connect to Christian Grey, biblical name notwithstanding, as self-sacrifice, honor and unfailing hope fail to describe a character who is really the anti-Mr. Darcy.

But popular culture divas do love to attempt to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. And for a pig in a poke look no further than Fifty Shades of Grey. The Daily Beast speculated this week that Grey is the new Mr. Darcy. Of course, this kind of assessment must have been made without actually reading the books of Jane Austen. Literature does not begin to describe what you get with Grey.

To paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen: Christian, I've read Mr. Darcy. I've studied Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy has become a friend of mine. Christian, you're no Mr. Darcy.

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Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy has reigned supreme in literature for decades as a man who puts other's needs above his own, who selflessly worked to aid those unable to help themselves, in fact, even assisting the family of the woman who rejected his marriage proposal, if only to ensure her happiness. On learning of his deeds and better understanding his quiet character, Elizabeth Bennet's heart is turned towards him.

Meanwhile, Grey sacrifices a young woman's comfort, peace and safety to satisfy his needs. Other than the money (which could be lost with any market correction), he has bad boyfriend written all over him, because selfishness degrades a mutual love. That truth is the kind of thing that mothers tell daughters, encouraging them to observe the way in which a man considers others above himself — if they do so at all.

The passionate way in which some women have embraced an admittedly sadistic character who controls, humiliates and dominates a young woman is a puzzle to me. Frankly, I don't know a single woman who likes to be told what to do, even as many graciously listen to advice that they may or may not act upon.

For a real war on women, look no further than a pain-oriented movement that seeks to tell women that their acquiescence to violation is the key to a happy relationship. Such self-interested nonsense clearly serves only the desires of the man with the torture chamber in his basement.

Real women neither reject all men nor ask to be hurt by them. So while Fifty Shades of Grey is having its 15 minutes of fame, I don't believe that's the end of the story. Generations of women and men still look to be inspired.

A revival of epic men in modern writing reveals a huge audience for nobleness. Consider the tremendous success of Diana Gabaldon's character Jamie Fraser of the Outlander books, a man who puts the safety and comfort of others above himself. The Twilight series by Stephanie Myers, updating a less tragic tale of Romeo and Juliet, as Edward fights for his love, or the Hunger Games dramas in which Katniss Everdeen (spoiler alert) chooses the man who was willing to lay his life down for her. And every wildly popular superhero flick has a misunderstood hero supported by the woman who believes in him.

In a cultural environment in which threat of rape dominates discussions about college life, and schools send home packets about protecting children from sexual predators, we need to be clear in denouncing damaging sexual politics that result in anyone becoming a victim.

Christian Grey, putting himself first, tells his victim: "You need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man."

I wish Ana had the strength to say this line from Pride and Prejudice: " There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."

Gloria Steinem once famously said that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Through Fifty Shades of Grey we are presumably lead to believe that a woman would actually like to be beaten with the bicycle chain. Most of us choose none of the above.

Kristi S. Hamrick is a media consultant, wife and mother. Follow her @KristiSHamrick

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