Josh Gad, Bill Maher on a world gone mad
Everything else in America has been politicized, so the NFL ought to drop the old NFC and AFC designations and adopt two new conferences: the LFC and the CFC, the Liberal Football Conference and the Conservative Football Conference.
The Cowboys, Eagles, Chiefs and Redskins can be part of the Conservative Conference, because cowboys and eagles sound super-duper American and the names Chiefs and Redskins are demeaning to minorities. The Steelers, Packers, Bengals and Titans can be in the Liberal Conference because steelers and packers sound union-affiliated, Bengal tigers are an endangered species, and Titans – well, the name sounds vaguely gay.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous but, as we make our trek across the U.S. for a special live version of Real Time from our nation's capital Friday night, followed immediately by my new HBO stand-up special, the question that keeps coming back to me is, "Does everything in America have to be political?"
Two generations ago, hippies came up with the idea that "the personal is political," but it didn't really affect anything because there was, frankly, a pretty limited connection between ending the arms race and Janis Joplin not washing her hair.
Now, it's really come true.
Your car never used to be a political statement. Today, conservatives love their gas-guzzlers and the Obama bumper sticker may as well come standard on every Toyota Prius.
Talk-radio patriots won't drive cars from "Government Motors," because if they did, we might get our bailout money back. It's like saying, "I hate the way the post office wastes money, so I'm setting my mail on fire."
Let's get it straight. The reason not to drive a GM car isn't that your federal government bailed them out. The reason is that the ignition switch and airbags will shut off and you'll crash into a tree and die. That's an idea even liberals can get behind because it harms trees.
If you hate Obamacare, you eat at Papa John's. If you hate gay marriage, you love Chick-Fil-A. Big portions: conservative. Knowing where your food comes from: liberal.
Michelle Obama says she'd like to see schools serve healthier meals. She's telling parents to once in a while feed your child something other than gravy. That kind of sentiment didn't used to be controversial. But no, Sarah Palin pushes back by bringing sugar cookies on a school visit. Take that liberal plot to nourish our children!
It's exhausting. Eating a corn dog was once just a guilty pleasure. Now it's a blow for freedom against the radical Obama nutrition agenda. "I will exercise my God-given right to pump our children full of salt and corn syrup until we can't even tell which part to put the sneakers on!"
And when did arugula become the official food of effete liberals? For years I'd assumed that lettuce had no political affiliation. But, apparently, you might as well be putting George Soros in your mouth.
What beer you drink, a recent study says, has become political, too. Conservatives enjoy all-American beers — like Bud and Miller — that are easy to spell. Liberals prefer imported beers from Europe — socialism in a bottle!
Politics runs all through the supermarket. Liberals, studies show, like to try new brands. Conservatives stick to the tried-and-true, like Tide detergent, because their mom used it, or Uncle Ben, because then they can say they've had a black man for dinner.
College was once seen as a universally good place to send your kids. But that was before colleges were deemed radical, liberal indoctrination mills. Getting a college education was never a political statement that you were some kind of snob. It was a political statement that you didn't want to go to Vietnam.
How is it that a nation that was never interested in politics has now made everything political? "I believe in science" didn't used to be fightin' words. Climate scientists weren't suspected of being scheming "hoaxers" and gynecologists of being a bunch of liberal-agenda activists.
You'd think we could all at least agree that breathing is good. But, again, one party stands for atmosphere-choking fossil fuels, like coal and oil, while the other stands for clean energy.
Remember when Republicans and Democrats could see past their differences and both be anti-hurricane? Now, not only can't Republicans admit that hurricanes are getting stronger, but Chris Christie can't even work with Obama cleaning up after one.
Even the music on our cellphones has become politicized. I remember when country music appealed to everyone, with universal topics like divorce and alcoholism and mysterious bridge suicides. Now, every country album has to have at least one song praising rural Americans for being better than everyone else … because they're so humble. The politics ruined the music — which I like, but every time I listen to it, I get a sudden urge to drunk-drive a truck into an abortion clinic.
And where we all get our information? Forget it. Your news doesn't just come from a news team; it comes from cheerleaders for your team.
It's sad. You didn't used to choose what news to watch based on your politics. You watched the one that came in the clearest and had the weather girl with the tightest sweater.
Maher is host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher."