Advertisement

The definitive lawn game power rankings

lawngamepowerrankings

Lawn games are wonderful things. But which lawn game is the WONDERFUL-EST?

I tried to sit down and figure out exactly that. To do so, I devised a categorical ranking system that factors in the most important parts of what makes lawn games, or leisure games, great. It has to be the right amount of competitive, it shouldn’t take forever to set up, it should be inclusive, etc.

Here are the categories:

Simple enough. A good lawn game shouldn’t require more than a few minutes to set up. These are games of leisure. Not games of construction.

 

Lawn games are often played on hot days. You want to be able to hold a cold drink whilst playing.

 

When a lawn game requires a massive amount of equipment, or equipment that isn’t easily transportable, it’s a drag. These games should be able to be played anywhere.

 

How much fun is the game?

 

Lawn games that don’t include a lot of people are a drag. Games that don’t include a lot of people AND are super boring for spectators to watch are a bigger drag.

 

The competitive ranking requires a weird parabola scale, I guess. Games that aren’t competitive will receive a low score, and likewise will games that are too competitive. Lawn games should stoke some competitive fires, but they should not, preferably, draw a sweat or cause major arguments.

OK.

We picked the following ten sports to rank: Bocce, Kan-jam, Cornhole, Croquet, Lawn Darts, Polish Horseshoes, Ladder Golf, Whiffle ball, Paddle ball and Horseshoes. Each of the six categories will receive a score of 1-10 per game, giving each game a possible total score of between 6 and 60.

Let’s get to the rankings.

10. Croquet

Total Score: 23

Setup for croquet is an absolute nightmare. You have to put all the wickets all over the place, you need to divvy up the little mallet things, which of course someone wants to play with the blue mallet even though I already had the blue mallet called, Steve, you can even ask Christian I called it back in the house, and it’s a whole big thing.

Likewise, I’ve never played a game of croquet that didn’t dissolve into madness. If one player does well early, and starts showing off, the entire rest of the group can decide to gang up on said person. It turns into Lord of the Flies. So you’ll have one person trying to play the game while five other people attack from different angles and try to whack his ball into the bushes. No thanks.

9. Paddle ball

Total Score: 24

It’s incredible to me that paddle ball didn’t come in last place, because it’s not even really a lawn game, it’s more of an activity. It only speaks to the true stupidity of croquet that paddle ball isn’t at the bottom. I know some people actually set up courts and try to play paddle ball for real, but honestly most of paddle ball is just standing there whacking a ball back and forth with a person.

Paddle ball is boring and dumb. You can play it anywhere, and it requires no set up, so that gets it some scores, but it’s still a stupid activity for children.

8. Horseshoes

Total Score: 29

Great game, but to play horseshoes correctly, you need about 50 pounds of equipment, a stake driver, two sand pits…it’s just not a game that’s accessible to anyone without a horseshoe court. (Diamond? Field?) The little plastic fake horseshoes can’t even be considered a replica, and we will not discuss it here.

7. Lawn Darts

Total Score: 31

Fun game, good competitive spirit, added element of spice because any of them could impale a person at any given moment. They weigh a lot, though, and are basically a less-fun, more dangerous version of cornhole, so it loses points.

6. Ladder Golf

Total Score: 32

Ladder golf is a fun game to play and the absolute dumbest game to watch ever. (Outside of paddle ball.) I don’t know why, but watching people throw bags of sand at a hole or a Frisbee at a bucket is infinitely more exciting than watching people toss balls-and-string at a ladder.

5. Kan-jam

Total Score: 34

Kan-jam is a slightly more involved variation on Polish Horseshoes where you use two buckets, each one with a hole cut in it, and toss a Frisbee to a teammate standing near the bucket. It’s super fun, has fun teamwork stuff going on; it’s great. The only problem is the equipment — if you don’t have a set of Kan-jam buckets, you can’t really play Kan-jam.

4. Wiffle ball

Total Score: 35

Wiffle ball is an amazing lawn game. It’s fun, it costs about seven bucks to get all the equipment you need, and tons of people can play simultaneously. Detractions: really hard to hold a beverage and play the game the right way, plus there’s always the risk you’ll find yourself playing with some hyper-competitive doofus who can throw a 75 mph slider that moves six feet across the plate.

3. Bocce

Total Score: 36

To be honest, I had no idea bocce’s score would add up this high. I don’t love bocce. It isn’t the most fun game at all. But it does have just the right amount of competitiveness, it’s easy to hold a drink while playing, and you can play pretty much anywhere that is somewhat open and has grass or sand. Go on with your bad self, bocce.

2. Polish Horseshoes

Total Score: 37

Also known as Beersbee, French Darts, Spanish Horseshoes and Frisbeener. Kan-jam for the everyman. All you need is a Frisbee, then some sort of stick-like object (ski pole, PVC piping, whatever) and a bottle or can to stick on top of it. That simple. Can either be played leisurely, or competitively, and holding a beverage is built right into the rules of the game.

1. Cornhole

Total Score: 38

The people’s champ. I scored these blind, but I’m not surprised Cornhole, or Bags, or whatever you call it, came out on top. Even with low scores for both setup and equipment, the game is just too fun, too inclusive, too easy-to-play-whilst-holding-a-beverage for it not to be the champ. It’s also the perfect level of competitiveness — enough to get you going, not enough to cause any major freakouts or arguments. A deserving winner.

More Sports