Digital Life: How to react when 'she' becomes 'he' on Facebook
USA TODAY columnist Steven Petrow offers advice about digital etiquette.
Q: I recently looked up an old friend from high school and discovered that she had become a man. He changed his name from Audrey to Drey, and his Facebook profile looked recognizably like my friend, but undeniably male, married to a beautiful woman. My first instinct was to "friend" him, but then I realized it felt complicated, as I wasn't sure if he would be comfortable being contacted by someone from his past. I don't feel judgmental, but I wouldn't want to have the awkward exchange of, "I see a lot's happened since I saw you last!" or, "So, you're a guy now, huh!" I'm not sure if he wants to be reminded of who he was before his transition. I recognize that I have no need to contact him, other than saying "Hi, it's me, your old friend." Should I just let it go? Or is there a way to reconnect with him tactfully?
– Anonymous
A: With Caitlyn Jenner and her transition so much in the news lately, many of us have all kinds of transgender-related queries. What name to call her? (Caitlyn) What pronouns to use? (she, her, and hers) And other well-intentioned ones like yours.
Your first instinct to friend him is right on target, because isn’t that what you’d do with any other high school classmate? Send the friend request along with a message that says simply, “How are you?” (I’d skip the “So, you’re a guy now, huh?”) At that point the ball is in his court to continue the conversation, and you can follow his lead. My guess is that if he’s on Facebook, a very public platform, with his new name and gender identity, he’s ready to discuss his transition. But be patient.
If anything, once he acknowledges his new identity, the best response from you would be a gesture of warmth and acceptance. You could say something like: “Thank you for telling me” or “You have my complete support.” Or, “If you ever want to talk more I’m happy to.” And don’t forget to listen. Listening and being supportive make all the difference.”
If you feel the need to ask questions, preface them like this: “Is it okay if I ask . . .?” But remember, just because you’re curious doesn’t necessarily make it an appropriate question.
The bottom line: Don’t pass up this opportunity to reconnect. Reach out and say hello. I think you’ll be glad you did. Ditto for him.
Agree or disagree with my advice? Let me know below.
Submit your question to Steven at stevenpetrow@earthlink.net. You can also follow Steven on Twitter: @StevenPetrow. Or like him on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow.