The Texas Rangers might be a Major League team, but their ballpark concessions rival the club’s minor league counterparts for their unusual size, absurd combinations and attention-grabbing unhealthiness. At a 2014 Rangers game, our own Laken Litman sampled menu items as varied and terrifying as the “sausage sundae” and “The Choomongous,” a 24-inch Asian beef sandwich named for outfielder Shin-Soo Choo.

But with the Rangers bound for the postseason, concessionaires at Globe Life Park doubled down by adding four new and utterly ridiculous dishes to their menus. They are:

The Sweet Spot Cotton Candy Dog

Pictured above, the Sweet Spot Cotton Candy Dog is a hot dog covered with “cotton candy-infused mustard” and topped with cotton candy. It marries sweet and savory flavors and likely ensures that your hands will never feel unsticky ever again, even after dozens of thorough soapings as you try to scrub the memories of the Sweet Spot Cotton Candy Dog off your fingers like you’re Lady Macbeth.

The One-Pound Top-and-Go Cheetos

(PHOTO: Delaware North)

Does eating an entire bag of Cheetos leave you feeling strangely empty inside? That’s a common phenomenon, and one the Rangers will combat by dumping a bunch of meat, cheese and jalapenos in the bag with the Cheetos. If we’re being fair, it probably tastes amazing: There’s nothing about Cheetos that suggests they wouldn’t be improved by a huge pile of taco meat and cheese. This is a taco salad for people who prefer Cheetos to lettuce.

The Elvis Jabberdog Brownie

(PHOTO: Delaware North)

Still upset about The King’s untimely death? Make yours even untimelier in the tastiest way possible, with a giant brownie crusted in rice krispies then dipped in funnel-cake batter and deep fried, then topped with whipped cream and, from the looks of it, more brownies. The Elvis Jabberdog is also offered in “junior” size in case you want to limit yourself to consuming only one week’s worth of calories for dessert.

The Inside-Out Hot Dog

(PHOTO: Delaware North)

Hot dogs finally shake convenience with a giant, one-pound weiner cut in half and loaded with mashed potatoes or mac and cheese, then topped with brisket, chili or shredded chicken and meant to be eaten with a fork and knife. This is obviously delicious, and it comes with a pretzel bun so you don’t have to feel like you’re missing out on bread.