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Digital Life: Staying authentic on social media

Steven Petrow
Special for USA TODAY

USA TODAY columnist Steven Petrow offers advice about digital etiquette.

Writer Kate Carroll de Gutes launched the 'Authenticity Experiment' to gauge how authentic people were when posting on social media.

A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook wall just before bed when I came to writer Kate Carroll de Gutes’ page and noticed she had just launched  something called “The Authenticity Experiment” (as well as a new book, Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear).

That sounded intriguing, so I started reading. Wrote Kate: “I was thinking a lot about how we use [Facebook] to post our good news (‘I have a new book!’), our fun times (‘I’m riding in Cycle Oregon!’), our amusing insights (‘Look at this picture I snapped of a sign at the DMV riddled with grammatical errors!’), and cute cat videos (Because who doesn’t like cat videos). But we don’t really talk about the dark.”

At that moment I wasn’t sure what she meant by "the dark," but I certainly knew that most of my friends rarely post about their personal challenges, their feelings of insecurity, or their day-to-day encounters with troubled waters. To be honest, I’m much the same way, with my posts mirroring Kate’s examples of "good news." The week she started her experiment I was busily posting beautiful (if I do say so myself) photos of a mini vacation in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Not once did I mention the long slide into a depressive episode that had equally colored my July.

"Why’s that?" I wondered as I continued reading Kate’s tales of light and dark, ups and downs. "Privacy" was the first word that came to mind, although I didn’t seem hesitant to share my "private" successes. Then came an aversion to "whining." I didn’t want any post of mine about depression or rejection to be seen as a cry for help, nor did I want to be seen as clamoring for attention. Finally I came to "stigma." It’s one thing to have had cancer (which I have); it’s quite another to suffer from depression (which I do). Sadly, I’ve found there’s often a lot more empathy for the former than the latter.

In the midst of Kate’s experiment and my mind-rolling, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg took to his wall with a very uncharacteristic post. Zuckerberg acknowledged that he and his wife Priscilla Chan had suffered multiple miscarriages, noting: "The pain is so intense and the grief is real." The response? Pretty amazing. According to the Daily Mail: "[T] he couple has received an extraordinary outpouring of emotions from people across the world, many of whom have detailed their own heartbreaking experiences of losing a pregnancy." Posted one woman: "Thank you for letting other couples know that they are not alone."

Researchers have also noted the negative effects of all the positive posts by Facebook users. "Witnessing friends' vacations, love lives, and work successes on Facebook can cause envy and trigger feelings of misery and loneliness," reported Reuters about a recent study about jealousy on the social media site. "We were surprised by how many people have a negative experience from Facebook with envy leaving them feeling lonely, frustrated or angry," one of the researchers explained.

When I asked Kate what her takeaway was so far, she told me: “Some friends understand it immediately and comment that they wish they had the 'guts' to try what I am doing — basically exposing my whole self on social media…. Still others seem to be afraid of any perceived negative emotion and feel compelled to act as cheerleaders when they think I am sagging.”  I completely understand: “Negative emotions” are contagious, right? I don’t think so, as much as we might fear them.

So let me add as the kicker here – not as a whiner, nor as an attempt to grab attention, but simply as part of my own authenticity experiment: If I were to describe how I truly felt in late July it would be like this: “I’m on a wide-body Dreamliner, where everything is perfect and comfortable, when suddenly I realize that the plane is softly banking against the sun and the clouds as it is approaching the earth. There’s no reason to feel panic except for the fact that there’s no landing strip in sight. This is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m scared.”

There, I feel better. Well, actually not. But I do feel more real. And that’s a start.

How authentic are you when you post on social media? Do your friends’ posts create envy when you read them?

Submit your question to Steven at stevenpetrow@earthlink.net. You can also follow Steven on Twitter: @StevenPetrow. Or like him on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow.

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