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Retirement

Couples have to negotiate their visions of retirement

Nanci Hellmich
USA TODAY
Couples sometimes have different views of retirement. The solution: Talk, talk and more talk.

He imagines summers spent fly-fishing in a cold mountain lake and winters by the fire reading his favorite books. She envisions summers playing with the grandchildren in their backyard, and winters volunteering for her favorite charities.

Couples don't always have the same dreams for retirement, and it usually takes some negotiating to come to terms with what they're going to do.

When couples have different ideas about retirement, they need to lay everything out on the table and both partners need to say what's important to them and discuss whether they can afford to do it, says Pepper Schwartz, AARP's love and relationship expert.

"For lack of a better word, couples need to do some horse trading — 'I'll give you this, if you give me that.' You really have to negotiate in good faith. Maturity and communication skills are very important," says Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington.

Many of the decisions are going to be based on your financial situation, she says. Some people may have enough money to do what they'd like, while many others are going to struggle to maintain their quality of life, she says.

Schwartz has heard lots of stories from couples who've figured it out. Take the husband who wanted to live in Italy, and his wife, who liked American city life. They compromised and go to Italy for a month each summer.

Or the wife who wanted to spend a lot of time visiting their children and grandchildren, and he wanted to do other types of travel, so they're trying to do both while also working part time to help cover the costs.

And there's the wife who is enjoying her volunteer job exercising animals for the Humane Society while her husband is at home doing his hobbies. They enjoy doing their own activities and still make time for each other.

For many people, the negotiations begin with a discussion of when to retire. One spouse may want or need to work a little longer while the other one is ready to call it quits, Schwartz says.

It's important to talk, talk and then talk some more, says Mary Karapetian Alvord, a psychologist in Rockville, Md.

Talk about everything, including your expectations for retirement, your "want to-do list" and your "need to-do list." Talk about what your new schedule will look like, how you're going to divvy up tasks and how your identity is going to change, she says.

As you are going through this new stage and adapting to it, you have to use several basic social skills: Negotiate, compromise, take turns and share, Alvord says.

Fortunately, marriages that have survived to the point of retirement usually have involved the negotiation of a lifetime of differences, and spouses have often grown closer in their preferences and more like each other, says Frank Farley, a psychologist at Temple University.

Any differences should be ironed out with informed discussions, he says. "Splitting up over retirement decisions would be quite rare. Usually neither spouse wants to walk away to a solitary retirement. That would be a scary prospect for most."

Some suggestions for couples who are discussing their retirement dreams:

Create a list of characteristics for retirement that each spouse desires, Farley says. Categories could include physical living arrangements, the type of cultural or sporting events you want to attend, exercise activities you'd like to do, volunteer work and desired proximity to loved ones.

Alvord agrees. She advises creating a long list of possibilities for retirement and then going through it together and evaluating what you each really want to do.

Talk with family and friends who would have an interest in your decisions, Farley says. "The role of family, loved ones and friends is often crucial."

Prudently prune your retirement dream list. Have "a give-and-take where each agrees to compromise, or the dream of retirement becomes a nightmare," Farley says. "Each must realize this may be a final move, a life-changing deliberation against an unforgiving clock."

Carve out some special time when you just listen to each other, or take turns doing something that the other person really likes, Alvord says. You may not share the interest, but you can still participate in it with your spouse.

• Tell your spouse how much you appreciate what they're doing and offering you at this stage of life, Alvord says. If they garden then say, "I really love that you garden because I enjoy looking at it." Or if they walk or bike with you, then tell them how much you enjoy doing that with them.

Sometimes "we may not love to do something, but we do things for the sake of the relationship," she says.

Couples sometimes have to negotiate their retirement dreams.
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