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Do you pick Bill Belichick or Pete Carroll in the totally unlikable Super Bowl?

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Be honest, unless you’re a fan of either team, you don’t want either the New England Patriots or Seattle Seahawks to win Super Bowl XLIX. They’re two of the most arrogant teams in football, an attitude that stems from their respective head coaches, Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll. When you have two unlikable teams and coaches battling in the biggest game of the year, how do you possibly decide for whom to root? Luckily, FTW is here to break it down for you and let you know which coach will be the least worst to see holding the Lombardi trophy on Sunday.

Bill Belichick

1. He’s sort of creepy.

(Getty Images)

(Getty Images)

You may not have one, but everybody knows someone with the uncle who’s always having money trouble, the occasional brush with the law and a new girlfriend every year with a name like Brandy, Brielle or Genesis. He wears a Paul Simon 1986 Graceland tour T-shirt to Thanksgiving dinner and you always have the perfunctory 30-second conversation with him during which he asks “how’s school” and you reply “I graduated six years ago?” That’s the football Bill Belichick.

He dresses like a slob, as if to show he’s his own man and no one can tell him what to do. It’s like when a high schooler gets her upper ear pierced against her mother’s wishes. But, okay, creepy may be too harsh. Let’s just say if there was an open seat next to him on the subway, you’d opt to stand instead.

2. He’s a cheater.

(AP)

(AP)

The deflated footballs are a fantastic story but, ultimately, there’s not enough there there to turn it into anything more than great media fodder and some minor offseason sanctions. It will fill the radio and TV airwaves during Super Bowl week and then will be forgotten exactly at 6:30 p.m. ET on Sunday when the game kicks off. This will barely be a blip on Belichick’s football obituary.

But Spygate? Oh my. If Spygate happened today — hoo boy. A team illegally taping other practices? Reports that it happened before a Super Bowl? A half-million dollar fine? A half-hearted Belichick apology — so much more oily than those mind games he played this week? Destroyed tapes? TMZ would have had its hands on those in no time, or at least the iPhone video of some stadium worker who saw it happening.

(USA TODAY Sports Images)

(USA TODAY Sports Images)

With all his creepy (there’s that word again) videotaping fixations, Belichick is like his own episode of Law & Order: SVU. Logan Mankins could have been one of the guys loading a truck at the beginning of the show while getting questioned by police. “Videotapes of the Jets. No, never heard anything about that. Sorry, gotta run, we have a shipment that’s already running late.”

But back to Deflategate. Did that seriously happen during a game everyone was watching? Not that Belichick did it himself, but I’ve seen better cheating in my high-school math class … when I would lean over the goodie-goodie in front of me and ask my friend out loud what she got for No. 7.

3. Even though the media and fans are the reason he’s rich and famous, he refuses to talk to them.

(AP)

(AP)

Marcel Marceau thinks Belichick should talk more. He gives one word answers at press conferences, messes around with injury reports and views the media as a nuisance, not as the way to hype the sport that pays him millions of dollars. Then again, this strategy it seems to be working just fine for him.

4. He’s a defensive guy winning Super Bowls with a lot of offense and special teams.

(USA TODAY Sports Images)

Adam Vinatieri: Belichick savior. (USA TODAY Sports Images)

Three Super Bowl wins: Two thanks to Adam Vinatieri’s right foot and one thanks, in large part, to Donovan McNabb’s gastrointestinal fortitude, or lack thereof. This isn’t to mention the Tuck Rule and Vinatieri’s miracle kick during that snowstorm in the 2001 divisional playoff against the Raiders.

Belichick’s defenses are always great and he’s a magician at squeezing the best out of mediocre talent. (Remember when wide receiver Troy Brown used to play cornerback?) But when his teams win big games, it tends to be because of Tom Brady, a quarterback with whom Belichick has limited contact with during the week and games. We’re not privy to the inside workings of the Pats, but watch the coach on Sunday: He’ll sometimes be talking to the defense and have his back turned when the offense is on the field.

(AP)

(AP)

So give me the two coaches who also have three Super Bowl wins, like Belichick. Joe Gibbs won three Super Bowls with three different quarterbacks (an underrated feat) and had full control of his offense. I’ll also take Bill Walsh who created his own offense. What did Belichick do? He watched Adam Vinatieri win him three Super Bowls.

That’s not to say Belichick plays no role in the Pats’ and Brady’s greatness. He and the revolving door of offensive coordinators who have come through Foxborough set up the game plan every week. Belichick is very hands on, though Josh McDaniels or Charlie Weis or Bill O’Brien work with the offense and deserve more credit. But defense is still Belichick’s main focus. And those defenses lost fourth-quarter leaders in the last two Super Bowl losses to the New York Giants.

5. He was coach of the Jets for a day.

(AP)

(AP)

Even Rich Kotite lasted longer.

In case you forgot, Belichick was involved in that bizarre 1997 incident in which he was named a one-year coach of the Jets, keeping the seat warm for his mentor, Bill Parcells, who was barred by the New England Patriots from coaching that season. Eventually, Paul Tagliabue negotiated a settlement (a commissioner who makes decisive decisions — imagine that!) and Parcells got to coach New York. Belichick served as his assistant until the Pats hired him in 2000.

Pete Carroll

1. He doesn’t age.

This is Pete Carroll almost 20 years ago. (AP Photo/Jim Rogash)

This is Pete Carroll almost 20 years ago. (AP Photo/Jim Rogash)

Carroll is the second-oldest coach in the NFL, behind Tom Coughlin, who looks old enough to have voted for Roosevelt (either one). Was Carroll the real-life inspiration for Twilight? Does he get the ol’ Hollywood treatments? Did he do what Ponce de Leon couldn’t? (Or are you a truther about the existence of the fountain of youth? And, no, we’re not even getting into that lunacy.) Look at it this way: Carroll, 63, is the same age as Star Wars hero Mark Hamill.

(Getty Images)

(Getty Images)

The same age, I said.

2. He loves the 12th man, except when he doesn’t.

(John Froschauer, AP)

(John Froschauer, AP)

Carroll is always praising the Seahawks too-famous fans, but earlier this season he told them to “suck it up” after the team’s slow start. They would, but it’s too hard to concentrate with all that noise piping into CenturyLink Field.

3. He conveniently bolted USC five months before crippling sanctions came down from the NCAA.

(Getty Images)

(Getty Images)

Five months before USC was slammed with sanctions stemming from a scandal involving Reggie Bush, the coach bolted for Seattle. That’s his prerogative — there were always whispers he wanted back in the NFL one day. But he didn’t just leave USC hanging, he sat there and watched as they were thrown off the building. He was John McClane and USC was Hans Gruber.

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But here’s the best part: Carroll says he never would have left had he known the NCAA sanctions were coming. Hell, *I* knew the NCAA sanctions were coming. Anyone with access to ESPN or a transistor radio knew the sanctions were coming. They were harsher than expected, but no one’s buying the fact that Carroll thinks USC was getting off with a strongly-worded letter. Still, Carroll told the Los Angeles Times he “would never have been able to leave under those circumstances,” referring to the major sanctions. Yeah, and all that noise at CenturyLink Field is natural.

When those penalties were announced, Carroll said in a video statement that he was “absolutely shocked and disappointed in the findings of the N.C.A.A.”

Yeah, the NCAA should have sucked it up, right?. (Also, who makes a video statement. You’re not Fidel Castro, bro.)

Again, I harbor no ill-will for Carroll bailing. He’d have been an idiot to stay at USC with both penalties and an NFL offer pending. But don’t martyr yourself after the fact. Own your well-timed exit.

4. He’s one of those guy who yells “whoooo!” more than Ric Flair or an attendee at a Bachelorette party …

(EPA)

(EPA)

… and also does stuff like this on the sideline.

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No one likes that guy.

5. He’s a hypocrite.

(USA TODAY Sports Images)

(USA TODAY Sports Images)

Before he escaped from L.A., Carroll was criticized for going for a touchdown while up 21-7 with 54 seconds left. That didn’t bother some (myself included), because the opposing coach, Rick Neuheisel, had just called a timeout after USC’s Matt Barkley took a knee to end the game. If one team’s going to keep playing, the other is entitled to do the same. But what’s galling about this incident is that Carroll had just ripped Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh for doing the exact same thing a few weeks before. What’s good for the goose isn’t good for the arrogant, gray-haired gander.

6. The Sanchize Incident

(AP)

(AP)

Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart played until they were seniors while Carroll was at USC, so when Mark Sanchez announced he was leaving after his junior season, Carroll was surprised but supported his player’s dream of playing in the NFL. Oh, no, my bad, he dumped all over the decision and acted like a petulant baby, even refusing to sit next to Sanchez at the press conference. There, he said through gritted teeth:

“We’ve talked at great depth and great length. We’ve covered this from A to Z … going until late last night. We don’t see this decision the same. [But] I’m thrilled for Mark. For any of our kids to live the dream and do what they want to do with their football career, this is a great place to do this. […]

In happier times, when Carroll played Sanchez and the Eagles. (US ATODAY Sports Images)

In happier times, when Carroll played Sanchez and the Eagles. (US ATODAY Sports Images)

And then a few minutes later:

“We have compelling information working against the choice going this way.”

It’s one thing to advise a player privately to stay in school. It’s fine to sit at the press conference and act as if this isn’t a time to celebrate. But it’s an another thing to bash said player while he’s sitting six feet away.

So, which unlikable coach should you root for?

The coaches in 2005. (Getty Images)

The coaches in 2005. (Getty Images)

Ugh, this is so hard. It’s like going to a restaurant where the only items on the menu are haggis and Arby’s, then following it up with a movie at a theater only showing an Adam Sandler movie or something starring Johnny Depp in a fake mustache. I’d rather listen to a three-hour Kanye West rant about fame, media, police, Autotune, haters and unfair demonization than choose between Bill Belichick or Pete Carroll. But I have to choose one. I owe that to you, the reader.

So, since both guys have done some sleazy things, at least Bill Belichick doesn’t defend them with half-truths and an attempt at self-martyrdom. He doesn’t care what you think. Plus, he just practically dared the NFL to do something to his Patriots nine days before the Super Bowl and would never, ever, ever, be caught saying “whooooooooo!”

Advantage: Belichick.

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