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Avoid money fights with financial date nights

Nanci Hellmich
USA TODAY
Couples should have regular financial dates to discuss money matters.

Imagine this: You're out for a romantic dinner with your spouse. The candles are glowing, and the wine is flowing. You turn to your significant other and say: "So, how are we going to pay for our two lovely children to go to college?"

It may not sound very lovey-dovey, but regular financial dates give couples a chance to discuss everything from taxes, to what home improvements need to be made, to retirement planning, says certified financial planner Jeff Motske, the author of The Couple's Guide to Financial Compatibility. If you don't do this, the alternative may be arguing about money when emotions are high, which can lead "to resentment and bitterness — feelings that are not at all romantic," he says.

Research shows that money disputes are the greatest harbinger of marital unhappiness and divorce, says Motske, president of Trilogy Financial in Orange County, Calif. "A lot of times the marital arguments are over issues that never get resolved."

USA TODAY talked with him about money issues that couples should discuss:

Q: In the book you say that you and your wife often have weekly date nights that sometimes turn into a financial date night? What is that, and what do you discuss?

A: My wife and I go on a financial date night once each month. We go to our favorite Italian restaurant, have a nice bottle of wine and talk about where we stand on our finances. Our discussions run the gamut from vacations we're planning, saving for our kids' education to how our investments are doing and how we plan to care for our aging parents.

We make sure we are adhering to our game plan because we know it will lead to financial independence, which I define as being the day when work becomes an option. That's the day you don't have to go to work: you choose to go to work. I think our working together toward that goal is liberating.

Q: What financial issues should couples talk about before they retire?

A: If you don't currently work off of a household budget, get one started because managing your money is particularly important when your earning days are over.

Since you will be depending on a fixed income once retired, it is crucial that you have an accurate idea of what your budget and expenses are.

One thing I see among many retirees is that during their careers, they are working five days a week, so the majority of their spending occurs on weekends. Once you retire, your schedule becomes much freer, but continuing to spend like there's no tomorrow will lead you right to financial disaster.

That's why establishing a budget is so important. Your daily expenses are bound to change. In some instances, in your favor. For instance, not having to commute to and from work will reduce money spent at the pump and for wear and tear to your car. In other cases, like health care, you can expect to pay more for medications and other health-related items and services.

They should talk about when they are going to take Social Security and what to do about health insurance if one qualifies for Medicare and the other doesn't.

Q: What other financial issues should couples be discussing?

A: An estate plan at this stage is a must. If you don't have one in place, get started right away. I believe your financial date night should carry into retirement, though the topics may shift to making sure both are sticking to the household budget, what trips or events are on the horizon and whether or not you should offer financial support to your children.

And you also need to talk about how you are going to use your time wisely so you don't end up overspending and having a feud because one person is spending more than the other. You need to have your money, my money and our money and figure out how you are going to divide it up so you're going to be happy about it.

Q: What are some basics of estate planning that couples should discuss?

A: At a minimum, you should have a durable health care power of attorney, someone who can make medical decisions on your behalf should one or both of you become incapacitated.

Also, you should have a will or trust in place. If you don't, you are setting your family up for unnecessary conflict and pain not to mention opening the door for Uncle Sam to take a bigger slice of the pie than he is entitled to.

Q: What do you recommend couples do if they don't agree on how much money they should give to their financially strapped adult children?

A: First off, tackle that issue before it becomes an issue. Discuss the "what ifs" with your spouse long before those scenarios present themselves. Then come to a meeting of the minds. Don't be afraid to say "no" to your adult children, as your responsibility is, first and foremost, to you and your spouse. I like to use a metaphor to put my point across on this issue. When flying, your flight attendant instructs you to secure your oxygen mask first before strapping one on your children. The same notion holds true with your finances, particularly during your retirement years.

Q: What do most couples fear about retirement?

A: The No. 1 fear most people have when approaching retirement is, "Will I outlive my money?" The second concern is not becoming a burden to their loved ones. Having a sound game plan in place that addresses these issues will significantly reduce your anxiety and bring you peace.

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