Bullying: Whether your child is the victim or perpetrator

Good news on the bullying front from the U.S. Department of Education: In a study released this May, fewer children aged 12 to 18 reported being targeted by bullies in 2013, only 22 percent, down from 28 percent in 2011. It’s the lowest number since the department began the survey in 2005.

Even in a slightly friendlier school climate, however, bullying still happens — and your child could wind up on either side. Hearing that your child has been involved in bullying, one way or another, can get you all mama bear about the situation. But before you roar, figure out if what’s going on is the real deal.

“Bullying is such a big buzzword even preschoolers know and use the term. But much of what kids report is actually peer conflict. If it’s a back-and-forth thing like, ‘I’m mad at you today, and you’re mad at me tomorrow,’ then it’s not bullying,” explains Tara Fishler, CEO of Customized Training Solutions and a conflict resolution expert in New Rochelle, N.Y.

Childhood taunting turns into bullying when it’s a repeated behavior with negative intent and there is a power imbalance, such as fearing another child or multiple kids ganging up on one. And, while you might envision a bully as a schoolyard ruffian who beats up kids for their lunch money, most bullying is done with threats, ridicule, rumor-mongering and exclusion from social activities.

Whatever side of the problem your child is on, fixing it can be difficult. To help, follow these expert guidelines to make a bad situation better.

Your child is being bullied, you think

Before you grab your suit of armor and go off to fight your child’s battles, first do a bit of digging.

“One side of the story is not the whole story,” says Fishler. “Parents can escalate these things really easily if they don’t know the full story.”

If your child reports being bullied, listen to what he or she has to say, but also talk to others — like your child’s teacher and classmates, plus the bully and his parents — and hear their  different perspectives. Keep an open mind to figure out if this is simply an opportunity to teach your child about communicating with peers or if your child is truly being targeted.

If it is a case of bullying, involving your child in how to handle it can be empowering. Provide options such as approaching the bully’s parents, talking to the teacher or involving the principal. If your child is opposed to you intervening, you should explore why.

Engage the school when the situation goes beyond what you and your child can handle. Calmly discuss with a school administrator why your child is afraid and how that impacts learning. However, if the administrator doesn’t take your concerns seriously, do approach the superintendent and school board, recommends Jared Scherz, a clinical psychologist and author of The Truth About School Violence; Keeping Healthy Schools Safe. If the school refuses to cooperate entirely, consult an attorney.

You’ve got a bully, or so they say

A study published in the journal School Psychology Review in 2007 found that 30 percent of students in fourth through 12th grade reported being bullied. If you find that your child falls into that category, the first step is to do some data gathering, says Scherz.

If you’re certain your child’s behavior has indeed been bully-ish, it’s time for a heart-to-heart. Instead of approaching your child in an accusatory or defensive way, ask your child, in a neutral tone, to tell you what’s going on.

“First, have empathy with the feelings causing your child to act out,” advises Scherz, “All behavior is rooted in a need. If a need isn’t being met, the feeling is going to go awry.”

Most bullies behave badly because they feel powerless in another part of their life (e.g., a stressful family situation) and want to take power back where they can. Once you suss out the core issue, you can figure out your next steps.

Additionally, you also want your child to better relate with other people’s feelings. To encourage your child to empathize, ask her how she would feel if someone did the same thing to her. You can also have your child write a note of apology to the other child. It helps, too, if you connect with the victim’s parents to apologize and reassure them that their child is not going to be hurt.

Scherz says the goal, whether you’re parenting the bully or the bullied, is to create an environment where people aren’t threatened by differences, but embrace them.